If you’re still single, you still don't have any idea what short of parent you would be. Or if you have been a parent, what kind of relationship you want to have with your child? Have you ever asked yourself those questions before? For me, Yes, I do. Since I’m still single myself as of now, I’m interested into parenting since I want to have a better relationship with my future child.
I stumbled upon this infamous parenting book. A lot of people talk about this lately and it’s one of the bestseller books. Its title is “The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read” by Philippa Perry. I have read it and I wish that my parents have read it too.
Relationship is often complicated. We live our lives to figure out how to build a good relationship with each other. We want to have a good one. So does a child. Everything will be easier if the relationship with our children is built on a fine and sturdy foundation. That’s what this book is about; how to bond with your children, understand them, and communicate with them by focusing on the relationships in general. There are also some realistic tips and examples provided in this book.
My personal opinion about this book is that, this is one the best ones that I have read this year. I am so glad that I read it. I learned a lot from it. This is a type of book that I will read again from time to time. Here’s what I learn from this book:
- Parents are the children’s first role-models. They imitate us. They will do what we do. We are going to influence how they are and how they behave. That is why it is essential to pay attention to how we respond to them properly.
- A child needs attention, warmth, affection, and a lot of your time. If you think that you haven't given them fully what they need, It’s not too late to repair the relationship you have with your child. As Philippa said, “It is not the rupture that is so important, it is the repair that matters”.
- How to repair it? You can start by understanding them, see everything from their point of view, and think about what it was like when you were a child too just like them.
- Accept what they feel, all feelings they have. It doesn’t mean they have to be happy all the time. They can also be sad, but when they encounter their distresses you could be alongside them and support them. That’s how you teach them on how to make the pain they have bearable.
- When there is a conflict, it’s about understanding and compromising, it’s not about winning or losing. When we argue, we often think about winning. The fact is, we actually are in the same side as our children. We are equals. Start with I statement such as “I feel uncomfortable if you do not clean your room.” not “your room is such a mess.” No one likes to be judged. No one likes to be defined.
- By using the I statement, you learn how to share your feelings. By that, you also teach your children how to share their feelings with words. That way, they also will learn how to empathize with others. Sharing your feelings, how you feel about something, is better than throwing a lot of reasons. Arguing is not a competition. Your intention is a clear communication, share each other feelings, and take them seriously.
- Validate their feelings. Take their feelings seriously. Listen to them and you can come up with solutions by brainstorming the possible solutions and make helpful changes.
- Children behavior is their communication. Behind a particular behavior, there is a feeling and you should empathize with them and put their feelings into words so that they will not act out in an unpleasant way to communicate with you.
Those are some points that I have sum up and learned from this book. This book is really helpful to mend your relationships, not only to your child, but also to all people in general. It does emphasize on how to be considerate to our children, so they will become one too.
Some of my favorite quotes are:
“It’s because not wanting to be sensitive the the feelings our children trigger in us causes us to get stuck in our relationships with our children, prevents us being as close as we might want to be and so reduce our children’s capacity for happiness.” — on page 201
“In truth, a child will feel motivated to improve if they know you love them exactly as they are. If they don’t feel good enough, they’re more likely to give up. It might seem paradoxical, but it’s they way it works.” — on page 242
Personally, I do suggest you to read this book. One of the wonderful books you should read in your life. Like I said before, I will be reading this book again from time to time. We might not become a perfect one, but at least we try to be a good one for our children and be the best as we could. Let’s break the cycle of the kind of relationship you don’t really fancy that you have with your parents to your child. Make sure that you could have a better and genuine relationship with them. Remember, we are not perfect, but at least we are always trying hard.
